Less than optimal habit… (Extended Exploration of Ideas) – Attraction and Desire


The correct response when a girl turns you down is not ‘oh that’s cool’, although thats steps above many other possible ways to react. ‘sucks for me’ would be one possible response, or some other thing…. that would be better than that. ‘oh thats cool’ implies that it is up to you to grant that it is, indeed, cool, when in fact it is always their call and always cool… bitchy, irritated, and angry, etcetera responses, i reckon, are far more common than we would like (guilty, although not recently) and particularly more common among people .. (thinking, of course of boys and men here, since i am one, although i imagine this is equally applicable, although likely not (nearly?) as common among other gender pairings, or the female in a hetero conversation (which would imply that she took the initiative in something, something i imagine many straight guys wish women would do more of) .. who have through lack of experience, just age, or the myriad other factors, have yet to find a (relatively) strong place of confidence and/or self-worth to stand on within themselves. I suppose an unexamined sense of ‘entitlement’ would also be pointed to by many … but I don’t feel like thinking up alternate terms or definitions for the ‘entitlement’ noted, and I feel that ‘sense of entitlement’ is often used as a derogatory club (such as by baby boomers talking about millennials, or in myriad other places where it may be someone’s go to phrase, and may the accusation of ‘entitlement’ does not in all cases reflect a solid knowledge of what is driving the supposedly offending behavior … such as in cases where someone in a privileged position or class objects to a less privileged persons claim on equal treatment or some right or privilege that the privilege one believes they are not entitled to..)

Hope that is not too difficult to untangle and that I didn’t miss anything integral to the points. I shall try to remember to use a better response next time I get shot down instead of ‘oh that’s cool’. Somewhat of a bummer that my request and response seemed to spin the delightful young lady out of the deep and complex ideas and philosophical discussion she had been flowing effortlessly through with me (mostly me listening with brief comments) touching on and linking so many things together so quickly that I can’t really remember all the bits although i suppose it was sort of ‘theories of reality’ ‘theories of people’ and various other stuff and onto more mundane everyday things, and individual people… I wonder what I could have said that would have made the same request without breaking her train of thought (did I?) although I think we did get back onto some interesting stuff after that. it was a sort of unique and you had to be there sort of rap/exchange, which would have been impossible in that form if there had been a third person in the room. Do hope she comes around again soon and often. Some people, and under some circumstances, their magicalness shines unusually brightly to those with eyes and ears attuned for what is happening. Totally put me in a way better mood than my antisocial and brooding on the other problems before she came to hang out in the living room away from the rest.

Ray of Light

Have been sort of concerned I may have put her off due to various past misadventures, errors,  negative conditioning, prevailing mindsets or unconscious attitudes absorbed from society,  and lingering traces of lack of confidence in, for lack of a better word I can think of just now, ‘affectual’ exchanges [edit: perhaps, ‘making a move’?] with women from my younger life. [Difficult sentence to untangle, I see now, but I do not want to fuck with it; I might just make it even more convoluted and impossible]  But judging on the large bulk of what passed thereafter, I think I am reading imaginary things into just a couple of signs. Truly doom and gloom can whip up a hurricane of doubt and fear over a little glamour (in the magical-cognitive sense) on nothing.

It is just more correct to say something more reflective of what has actually happened, rather than weakly affirming that you are not going to have a violent negative emotion from the turn down (and implying that anyone needs your approval or permission to turn you down). *Le sigh*, woe is me, another unavailable person who is so much of what I really want, at least seemingly. I suppose I shall have to actually get my income stream and other problematical things like disastrous housekeeping and some effort on dating profiles into a more passable (or perhaps even outstanding) shape one of these days (sooner than later, one hopes!)… Some improvement has happened in a quite small way on income, help with housekeeping/reorg/rehab, and social life, although there are also drawbacks to having roommates for dating I suppose, just recently.

My suspicion is that she is already attached to the other friend we (the current and former roommates/roommate respectively who were hanging out with the new younger folk) just met who later turned up to give her a ride, rotten luck again for me… There are so many other things we could do together as friends and allies, and in which the age difference would not be looked on with suspicion/disapproval/what-have-you by those who will judge others choices.

I could probably keep this rolling on to other things, but I would like a few people to actually finish it.. [note: a key reason I decided to go ahead and say what I said was that she had a few minutes earlier commented on how problematical it is for people to suppress things, although I forget the precise context of the node in the rap she was flowing through. So I said, “Just in the interest of not suppressing things [what I was desiring].”



[End Note: I do and have, often, sincerely wished open or polyamorous attachments were more the norm, although never having really had the opportunity to try that, I cannot be certain how well I would handle it. And due to numerous factors, I have never really stuck to (or in certain cases blew the option) a relationship long enough for it to really deepen and grow extensively entangled [example: living together as a couple], so I cannot truly say how satisfied I would be with the monogamous option with someone who really hit all my buttons like that conversation. Or various other times I remember failing to grab or blew the chance or didn’t have the option to pair with (or even date) someone I really felt was the one I truly wanted in that particular moment (or year…) of the zeitgeist of my existence. Sometimes it seems having the polyamory option being acknowledged as on the table in ‘normal’ circles of society in 2016 would make everything so much simpler and easier for those who used it. And would close or mitigate some of the popular routes and rationales or excuses or emotional pitfalls that torpedo so many relationships now and throughout history.] … [and would allow delightfully expanded choices for living situations and relationship geometries and dynamics] … [Breaking the Barriers to Desire is a delightful (and the only I have read) book on polyamory (and peoples’ various paths into that choice) that came highly recommended.]  ]

2nd Fin! Wonder if I should see if she’ll read this and what the reaction would be?


Visions of sweat-steam
Building a sound out of nervousness
Well, I’ll see you there I guess
{ ! }
Make that a near date…
Remember to wear underwear next time
And wank before you go out, always

In case you know who you are read this, People of the Moon is in The Driftwood of Our Lives Washed Up on Some Foreign Shore if you want a copy.

Do Not Disappoint

Guessing games are good for girls
Do not disappoint
Can you keep up the charade of not being flat broke until the first paycheck?
Singling out yourself for better treatment
Maintain the facade of not being an addict
How long can you remain stable?
Bring all your pieces and pulses to the table
Girl is a strong motivating power
How easy dating can be when you are not afraid
Allow me to shepherd your heart into the pasture’s safe haven
Allow me to bring you out of reach of the ravening wolves
The brown bears are all of the same species
Somewhere in intelligence between a dog and an ape
Yellowstone had to issue a warning to people :
“Do not take selfies with the bears”
This is no joke, but it garners LOLs
But where were we?
Today to rid myself of empty cans and do dishes and laundry
Wednesday to meet with success in love
All is prepared, the way is clear
Do not disappoint

Some challenges to overcome

A load of web technologies I’m not motivated enough to learn

The cleaning of this disastrous house

Making an internet dating profile

Haven’t meditated in a month or more

Haven’t exercised in a month or more

Drinking beer before work (although my performance is actually better, I’m sure the managers can smell it)

Catching up with all my untriaged and untyped verses

Getting together a coherent book for the Omnidawn contest

Getting my postcards printed

Getting my business cards printed

Getting some sidewalk chalk

Getting a real job or at least one that isn’t minimum wage

Figuring out where to send those postcards

Building out my personal website more

Using my twitter account

Linking all of my expressive accounts for marketing

Carmichael’s books consignment program

Getting my book or books printed on demand with title on spine

Reading the 4 self publishing books I weaseled Mom into getting me

Waiting for my first paycheck at Domino’s

Promoting those books with my various accounts, contacts, bulletin boards, and other means

Starting a meetup poetry group ($72 for six months if you want to start a group as opposed to just join (free))

Getting a handle on the routines so that this all is doable

Getting a handle on either sleeping well without beer or having money for beer left at 10 every night

Washing a lot of laundry

Clearing away the trashbags

Washing the sheets blankets and pillows

Making clear to my cousin he may not stay more than two months before he moves in

Reliable eating with food I can stand

Not getting 86ed from any more places

Countering the slanders that follow me

Not snorting too many of my antidepressants so I don’t run out before months end

Quitting smoking

Avoiding damage to my heart

Getting a real relationship, or some satisfying part time ones

More real friends

And now I go to see my neighbor who will criticize me for drinking before work

I think the other girl is into me
I think you’re delusional just like last time
Read the signs, see if she encourages you to talk more
See if the first girl is more open at a later date
Get a new or renewed internet dating profile
Follow the guidelines in that book
Wait until your brain renormalizes more
Do your dishes like a normal person
You’re doing everything essentially right
Don’t get caught up on the lust for results
Focus on the process of life and