The sweeping changes are coming hard
Hard to go all the way down to no cigarettes
Hard to stay occupied all day without beer
Hard not to steal 40 cents to make a beer
Hard the angst and anxiety
Everyday I struggle
Every day I have s few moments of peace
Are there solutions out there beyond this?
Or just more of the same?
Is this addiction?
Is this intractable depression?
Is this just boredom?
Or is this just life, which I am not cut out to cope with?

Morning, Bastille Day 2015

The spider drops from the ceiling
Nearly on your face
Then retreats back up
Probably due to cigarette smoke
But does not move far enough from the armchair
Too close for comfort
You knock it down
With a printout of some poems
But you cannot see where it lands
Cannot kill it
It has moved you to your table though
You get to writing much faster
Than you otherwise would have

The basement is not flooded
Although there is a stream of wet across the floor
That will affect the pile of
Already water damaged clothes
That your associates threw down there, uncaring
While you were in the hospital last year

The house is not yet covered in beer cans
They will be easy to remove

You woke up at 5:42 am
But went back to bed for two hours
When you woke again,
Unsure if you would be able to wake up
Or return to bed
But within fifteen or twenty minutes
A cigarette and a small cup of coffee and time
You were fine
The coffee tastes excellent today
The first pot anyway

Your friend’s web design project lingers on undone
Begging either much attention or resignation
But first, writing
There is also grocery shopping and housework to be done
Have I left clothes in the washer for a week?
I must check on that

A study on the radio finds
That a combination of eight good gut bacteria
Improves aggressive behavior and ruminative thoughts
After a month
I must eat more yogurt
And get some probiotics

The sun beams in
I slept through what was apparently
Some heavy rain
It never stops these past couple weeks
More foolish riverside dwellers get flooded out yet again
And it is time for another cigarette and more coffee to be made

Working on a shopping list
Treats to the cat
Classical on the radio
The shirts on the floor from three nights ago
Are still wet with sweat
As the liver detoxifies
Much less sweat last night

What will we eat today?
And I still haven’t got the password to that tablet
It’s a nice morning
Aside from the spider
Helpful though it was

Writing at home becoming a habit
Since I have had no money for coffee shops
The house is still fairly clean
Although the couch has moved again
And I have ice in my ice trays
But not enough milk

Battery charger for the camera permanently missing
But had I had it, I would have pawned it
So we come out ahead there

The cat irritatingly keeps me company at the writing table

Daylight 6-27

At least one prescription to pick up

Breakfast with Dad

Who did not beat me up about finding a job this time

Thank goodness

Interesting dreams

Highly complex games

Which carried over from one awakening to the next

Cephalopod human hybrids

Cat sits upon the notebook, as per usual

The table which cannot be cleaned

Because the coating has peeled away from the particle board

Nothing to  pawn

Nothing to plant

Nine cigarettes left

Web design to be done

Cleaning spree with mom and aunt yesterday

Although the floors are still incredibly dirty

They have been swept

And although the tables have been picked up

They are still cluttered and dirty

And the place looks and feels galaxies better

The volume of beer cans and trash removed —

And at least I am not stuck without coffee

Although I fear I am still out of venlafaxine

Even with the prescription

More oracle cards found

So I have a full deck now

Classical on the radio for writing – wordless

A space heater runs and AC off, although it is 69 degrees out

Chinese food with Dad and the aunt last night

If only I could find the charger for that camera

I could have $300

Or to hard reset the tablet

35 cents to my name


Thanks to my readers who helped me break my record of 27 likes in one day and reach 36 on the 25th and then on the 26th break the record of 36 and reach 53. Also reached 1000 likes last week. Also that rainbow at the top today is quite nice, I think.

Morning 2

Personality loading…91%

Early morning coffeee

See if AT aminos overload me when

Taken before coffee & with meditations

Doing the 5 minute sit in silence

Before cigarette or coffee; is tough

That is useful information

Extents of the addictions

Yanking the shackles; Up, Damnit! Feed me drugs!

Yeah I got through them