Timewise

Those memories countless of innumerable days-idle

Lost in distractive circling-screw, app to app or magazine to book to brew

Net dependence unweathered, seeking of The Magic Bullet for one’s ills and failings

Goalposts forever shifting, as projects multiply, mutate, fall aside, recycle

Interpolation of self-help pointers and cure-all systems, all seeking ever, something to tie together more than ephemeral progress-process

Naught! Never yet came the day..

Perseverance, they say, is key, goal to sandwich, sober to studious, job hunt to dating game –

Yet no system will save him, no method can quash that which impels him

To tie together, finally, one day, a victory, to knot the cord again the next day and next –

Limit permutations. Yet also note new ideas [not to plunge headlong that instant though, keep eyes on structural glue]

To each there is a way and a season, and mine is not yours, nor any others’ mine

To each there is a way.. To structure. To reduce. To accumulate those 10,000 mile steps

No more to fall to circling, circling, circling, whether of the Feeds-reading or the many substitutions –

To cut that which stops you for days on end and after – & …

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Thinking of assembling a scheduled posting routine, Monday and Wednesday mornings, to replace the flurries of daily posts followed by long silences. Cutting, thereby, time pressure on other writings, enabling me to progress better on submissions goals & so much more. Hopefully, this will allow me to also check all those quality and completeness boxes and promote each item a bit, as well as seeding more print-worthy verses &c, easing urge to post the first thing written, …. Yadda yadda yadda. Also considering doing one of the two more along the lines of ‘art-of-life’, something topical to current events, or another thing I have insight and experience to, and the other weekly post more pure word art. But since I don’t really control what I sit down to write, and have been notoriously bad at sticking to things all my life, we’ll see.. I think the habits I’ve devised may work this loop of the merry-go-round. More on which, perhaps Wednesday. YMMV, and of course to each his own. Wish me luck! I’ll need it I’m sure, however well aligned and confident I feel right now. 

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Note, if you struggle with smartphone problems, guess what, *there’s an app for that too!* .. Currently installed here, BreakFree, Quality Time, Habits, I Can’t Wake Up!, and IFTTT .. Currently not installed, Facebook, Twitter, Hacker News, & Wikipedia. Added Tumblr back yesterday for a reason.. As always, YMMV, and I am overtime on this post. Best wishes! Resistance is never futile – & …

Observations

Trying to quit again (again#again$again@again:::_} day 1 (well, I bummed 3 at intensive outpatient this morning) … Is not the best time to try to push productivity into high gear. Or handle important appointment making and court stuff :;

Zen koans do not necessarily make for the best therapeutic readings (although I don’t really know what others thought, the one I landed on was unusually opaque to me) .. (disliked the 2 readings books I had to choose from.. Will bring something from home not deoxy.org/koan/random tomorrow)

Negative feelings & internal pressure are amplified in grips of nic fiending, although it may seem they’re naturally that way until you give up or get a smoke

The Louisville Review, the issue I have anyway, does not print abstract poetry. But perhaps my work would be welcomed as a change of pace, not discarded out of hand. (but they don’t pay, so I’ll have to cook something new, since last round is waiting on response from paying journals) [but I live in Louisville, you see]

Prayer can help. So can writing and hypnosis and meditation and mantra. But you need a good enough connection to the practice to toggle to it against a nic fit. Preemptive prayer… Of course my intentions are on all different things most days, not focusing in on quitting smoke. Not least because having rediscovered the first cig rush, I want to continue, just at 1 a day or less.

For a former smoker limited smoking is marginally possible, but only if you bum.&/v.buy single cigarettes, not packs. Cannot just have it anytime you want. Must wait for the option to appear.

As the nicotine patch booklet says, it is key to remember that cravings always pass. Also, there is such a thing as Nicotine Anonymous (NicA) [have not checked to see if here yet] 

Recently found out that l-lysine has a calming effect. Anti-anxiety. It is a serotonin antagonist after some fashion in the gut &/v the amygdala. Particularly at 5HT-4 (5HT is serotonin) receptors. Had seen it at the store many times, but always dismissed it as useless w/o looking it up. It works, id say… Like all amino acids (incl 5 hour energy) effects are most likely to be palpable & useful on an empty stomach, and dramatic effects are unlikely to last more than a few days if used consecutively.

Limited science appears to show that less than 10% of people get enough dietary choline. Choline is technically non-essential since the body can make it, but the body on almost any diet is incapable of producing nearly enough. Almost all diets have inadequate exogenous choline as well.

The absence of remembered dreams… Setting pre-bed intent to remember and note them works.. {can just note down keywords, not entire narrative. Far quicker}

Trump is unexpectedly in striking distance. FBI director Comey yesterday said the Weiner/Abedin emails are not worth investigating.

Nerves frizzle & turn again to smoke.

To be continued…

Bonkajeedevi

In focus, think of god, angels, the multiverse

Typical evening that triphead

Then to retranslate

All into symbols resembling sanity

Visions most fructulous, 5x the usual amount

A repeating new mantra, a very neat word

‘Bonkajeedevi’ follows through

A key to remember a key to remember

A key to remember the things to which one must not forget

A strike of anxiety on come down, a need for ethyl drink

A remembrance here after treatment, once funds exhausted

Never to have a day of such emptiness as the hangover four days later again

“Cunning, baffling, powerful” they say

A truth

Not that the steps are always necessary to work

Reassemble, I need you clear

You have goals

Clear mind, low anxiety

You are in physiological difficulty

It passes, abstract thought problems also

Ethyl drink will sabotage you, most times

Even periods of semi stability

Were bound to slip

Daily drinking,

Always an interference on creativity

Even three drinks of weeknights, too many on weekends

Bound to have spun you out of the job soon

The need of assigning meaning not necessary to mantras,

Remember it always, and remember the loss of time of avoidable sickness

And loss of memory of ethyl drink

Not to be paralyzed in illness,

Seems what is ordered

Such mote it be

And also to recall the Unitarian Panpsychist prayer

To remember that prayers can be answered

And intentions can be set to trips

Work into your process

And blessed be

Although before a thought to not drinking yet,

After the Holy Hangover of Void, a mood to avoid at all costs,

Yet time passes, and temptations are all around

See to it there is not a dose of purple that high again

Uncontrollable anxiety is to be avoided

As are anxieties of the more pedestrian sort..

See to your Mind

While illness diminishes me
it also makes me wondrous
Deep and unique
The symbology of the phenotype
The literalness of our peril
The cold of january
Splitting hairs and chilling
Harming none for science
Alarming things
Sequencing the mutations
Breakage is memory
Loss is trust
Recovery is in the air
Report for work tomorrow
Learn and see career center
Clean this place
See to your mind
Set all in order

Not a Good Ad

Not a very good ad
Working to reach the worthy
Following forever in the dust of others
But seen to be wanting by most
Asserting the dignity of humanity
Asserting the right to a life
Asserting the aspiration of success
But being seen to be wanting by most
Lacking all that most have
Having only some few things
Working forever at my craft
Not a good ad for myself
Piecing together a living
Building slowly from the dust
Coming unglued and retelling
All that had gone wrong once again
Asserting the presence of hope
Asserting a place for my work
Asserting a way to make money
Beginning to tear it up

Cumulonimbus is a type of cloud that is tall, dense, and involved in thunderstorms and other bad weather. The clouds can form alone, in clusters, or along a cold front in a squall line.

Cumulonimbus is a type of cloud that is tall, dense, and involved in thunderstorms and other bad weather. The clouds can form alone, in clusters, or along a cold front in a squall line.

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The sweeping changes are coming hard
Hard to go all the way down to no cigarettes
Hard to stay occupied all day without beer
Hard not to steal 40 cents to make a beer
Hard the angst and anxiety
Everyday I struggle
Every day I have s few moments of peace
Are there solutions out there beyond this?
Or just more of the same?
Is this addiction?
Is this intractable depression?
Is this just boredom?
Or is this just life, which I am not cut out to cope with?

JUMP (UNDATED POEM 3)

Jumping off a bridge
Jumping off a building
Jumping out a window
I gotta go somewhere
I gotta go
Wastin’ time standin’ here
I gotta go
Meanwhile, torrential rains lash down
I do believe rains would lift my spirit
Mixing nicotine fluid with vodka shots
I gotta go
Find me a revolver
Just make this insistent playing of ‘jump’
Go away
What would be your last words on Earth?
Do you prefer suicide or execution?
Soon those will be your only choices
As time ticks away
So do your chances to choose
What would be your last words on Earth
I gotta go
Lift your hands to something
Write a poem and let us know
And maybe it would ease your trouble a little bit
Before it comes down to the firing squad
And the heroin
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Art is either plagiarism or revolution
Murder, Malice, Mutiny
We’re looking for an a-word now
Where is ALICE?
If you are hiding her, you’ll lose your heads!
Already lost them.
(Titter)

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